


open arms

by thunderylee



Category: KAT-TUN (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, M/M, ambiguous - Freeform, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-01
Updated: 2009-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-31 05:30:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12675366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: Temperature is relative.





	open arms

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck.

It’s not the same.

All day long Yamapi is loved. He’s adored by his fans, admired by his juniors, and supported by his friends and family. His seniors are proud of him, everyone he has ever worked with speaks highly of him, and he can do absolutely no wrong in his bandmates’ eyes.

It’s not enough.

He’s not sad. He’s not lonely or bored or hurting. He’s not pissed off or overworked. He’s genuinely happy with his life, his career and his friends, and even if people just want to look at him it’s okay because he can make them smile just by _existing_.

He knows better than to wish for a lover, someone to devote his life to forever. He doesn’t even have the time to devote to himself right now, spending every waking hour on concert preparation or practice. Yamapi has to try harder than most because he’s not a natural singer, years of vocal conditioning and he still doesn’t think he’s good enough.

He feels selfish, because even with all of these people who love to look at him, listen to him, be in his presence, he _still_ wants more. It’s not his hormones – he could get that anywhere. Girls are small and fragile and while he doesn’t mind being the one in charge, making the decisions, sometimes it just seems like too much effort.

If he’s being honest with himself, he’s always the one to comfort others. He’s the rock that everyone leans on, the one who stays strong when everyone around him falls. Not much gets to him, his oblivious, one-track mind more of a blessing than a curse when it comes to things that bother everyone _else_. Countless times his shoulder has been cried on by Koyama and slept on by Ryo, not to mention the many reassuring words and hugs that he’s provided over the years as leader.

And that’s just his bandmates. Sometimes Rina needs her big brother, sometimes his mom had a rough day and her son gives her back the strength she initially taught him. His female friends are comfortable enough with him to share their insecurities, their worries and fears, and usually just listening to them rant and rave is enough to make it better. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do, to _care_ , and it means the world to them.

It’s not that Yamapi doesn’t have any insecurities, worries, or fears – he just doesn’t voice them. He knows that they’re there and tries his best to rise above them, to be optimistic and cheerful and grateful for everything and every _one_ he has. He has faith in this world, in his friends, and in himself.

But it gets so cold at night. He piles on the blankets and turns up the heat and it’s not enough, even though it becomes too much and he sweats until he gets chills from it. He turns the water as hot as it will go and wears layers upon layers, bundling up for arctic weather in autumn, but it doesn’t seem to work. Staying busy and moving and distracted is only productive until he slows down, returning to the harsh truth of his reality, his monotonous everyday where he takes care of everyone without giving a thought to himself, at least until it all catches up with him as his internal temperature drops.

When it comes down to it, he knows what he wants, he just can’t speak the words. He doesn’t want to be teased or chastised for these feelings, this uncontrollable _yearning_. He doesn’t want it to happen out of pity, an obligation, or as some kind of payment for all of the times he’s done it for them.

Just because he’s never upset doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to be held. It sounds stupid to even admit to himself, like he’s giving up his penis and filling out his chest even more. It makes him feel weak, vulnerable, everything he is most definitely _not_. He feels safe by himself, but sometimes he wishes that someone else would provide that safety.

He thinks about it with Jin. Things are easy when it comes to the two of them, hanging out when their schedules permit and talking about whatever comes to mind. Sometimes they don’t talk. Sometimes they just grab something to eat or watch a movie or fall asleep; often they do all three in one night.

Yamapi likes Jin because he’s low-maintenance, easygoing and simple to read. From his facial expression alone, Yamapi can tell whether Jin is mad, sad, thoughtful, feisty, even hungry. And even if he couldn’t, Jin would probably volunteer the information. The elder of the two longtime friends has no problem speaking his mind and sharing his feelings, at least with Yamapi.

He wonders what Jin would do if their situations were reversed. Yamapi hasn’t really had to comfort Jin before, not since they’ve been grown. Their childhood and teenage years seem like a distant memory, a different world or even a movie that plays behind Yamapi’s eyes. He can see it, the few times Jin actually broke down in front of him, but he doesn’t remember how it _felt_. Being physically close to Jin is something foreign to him now.

“Jin,” he says, out loud, in the middle of yet another Dragonball night.

Jin’s half asleep but rolls his head towards Yamapi, peeks open one eye and offers a voiceless “hmm?”

“Never mind,” Yamapi says quickly. “You’re tired, just go to sleep.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Jin mumbles, but he’s smiling. “I’ll go to sleep when I want to. What’s up?”

Yamapi shakes his head and returns his eyes to the TV. “It’s nothing.”

“Liar,” Jin says, his voice gruff. “My Pi-senses are tingling. Spill it.”

“It’s just…” Yamapi sighs, slowly, buying time. “I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a total girl.”

Jin chuckles. “If the bra fits.”

Yamapi smacks him on the arm, but it’s half-hearted. “Ass.”

“Oh, come off it.” Jin straightens up, looking like it takes a lot of effort. “Just fucking tell me so I can fix it already.”

“What if you can’t fix it?” Yamapi asks before he can stop himself.

“Pi,” Jin says pointedly. “There’s _nothing_ I can’t fix when it comes to you.”

Yamapi kind of wants to make fun of him, crack a joke about how gay that sounds and laugh the whole thing off, but for the first time in a _very_ long while he actually feels warm inside.

Something in Jin’s eyes softens, and Yamapi knows that he’s been figured out. It still amazes Yamapi that Jin can see right through him, when he wants to, when Yamapi lets him. Right now Yamapi has dropped the face he usually shows, the blank expression and the emotionless eyes, if only out of hope that Jin will just give him what he wants without having to say the shameful words.

“What’s wrong?” Jin asks genuinely. “Was there a girl I didn’t know about? Is Shirota being a dick?” He gasps. “Did something happen to NewS again?”

“No,” Yamapi’s quick to dismiss, shaking his head before Jin can get himself all worked up. “Nothing happened, I mean it. I just… I don’t know. Just forget it.”

“Okay,” Jin says, so quickly that it surprises Yamapi, causes an interesting twist in his heart at letting it go like that. “When you decide you want to talk about it, I’ll listen.”

Yamapi starts to nod, to agree and continue to inwardly kick himself for being such a coward, but then Jin pats him on the hand and he freezes. Instinctively he makes a fist, closing Jin’s thumb inside it and keeping it there, Jin’s warm touch. Something like relief shoots up his veins and his entire body longs for more.

Jin doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything, and Yamapi can’t see what face he’s making because his own eyes are squeezed shut. He’s _mortified_ and filled with guilt but he can’t let go, can’t pull away because it feels too good to finally get the touch he’s been craving.

He briefly wonders if it’s just _Jin_.

All at once it’s gone, and it’s like he’s been doused in ice. Then the couch shifts and Yamapi’s heart is beating in his ear, loud and fast as a plethora of possible outcomes race through his mind. He doesn’t realize he’s shaking until something steadies him, the weight of Jin’s arm across his shoulders that pulls him to the side, _closer_. The sound of Yamapi’s own heartbeat fades in favor of Jin’s as his head comes in contact with the soft cotton of Jin’s shirt.

“Stupid,” Jin says affectionately, his voice vibrating through Yamapi’s features as he automatically buries his face in Jin’s shoulder. “This is the easiest thing for me to fix.”

There are a lot of things Yamapi wants to say, questions to ask, but they’re all pushed towards the back of his mind in favor of the warmth flooding his body. Jin brings his other arm up to embrace him completely and Yamapi is so happy he could cry; his contentment before is nothing compared to right now, now that he knows how it feels to be physically surrounded by such unconditional support.

Before he knows it he’s brought his own arms up to wrap around Jin, grab onto his shoulder blades and twist fistfuls of his shirt, giving into the fear that this will end and he’ll be cold again. Jin doesn’t seem to even think about pulling away with the way he tightens his hold, squeezing Yamapi firmly and effectively as Yamapi’s senses become clouded by Jin’s cologne.

He feels like he should cry, that maybe he really was upset about something and needs to let it out. The lone tear that actually comes is not one of sadness, however; it slides down his cheek to where he’s biting his lip to keep from grinning wide enough to make his face hurt, not that anyone could see.

It doesn’t matter if Jin sees, he inevitably decides. Jin’s not ‘anyone’.

“Is this it?” Jin asks lightly, the question a lot heavier than its tone. Yamapi knows that he could say no and they might explore a whole realm of possibilities tonight, that Jin would enter into it with an open mind and an open heart. All Yamapi has to do is say the word.

It’s mostly because he knows Jin that he can assume that, but he can also feel _all_ of Jin being poured into this hug, if it could be called that. Right now Yamapi feels like Jin would do anything for him, stand up to anyone on his behalf and protect him at all costs. Inside Jin’s strong arms, Yamapi is stronger than ever.

It’s an indescribable feeling, one which he never wants to end.

“Yeah,” he finally answers, hiding the choke in his voice. “This is it.”

For now.


End file.
